Jeezy & Nia Long: In Conversation

Jay “Jeezy” Jenkins has been in the headlines heavy as of late.  Not because he’s on tour promoting his new book, Adversity for Sale, and new double album, I Might Forgive…But I Don’t Forget.  He’s been in the headlines because at the time of announcing his book release, he filed for divorce from wife, television host Jeannie Mai.  I presume to set the record straight and “to say what he had to say,” he decided to sit down with “America’s sweetheart,” Nia Long.  Long was in the headlines herself not too long ago, when news broke that her then-fiance, Boston Celtics head coach, Ime Udoka, had been involved in a workplace cheating scandal.  Needless to say, Nia can relate to matters of the heart being in the headlines for public fodder.  The two sat down for a conversation about love, healing, growth, and evolving – and committing to purpose, specifically God’s purpose.

The conversation opens up beautifully with J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League instrumentals before cutting to him saying his grandmother was very religious and they were always in church. While he was only there because he had to be, he says “there came points in my life where there was nowhere else to go but with God.”  Right off the bat, you see the foundation this conversation sits on (submission to God).  And it’s saying a lot considering Jeezy is known as being the dopeboy.  The dopeboy has chosen to go with God. And setting a beautiful example of how to do the same for other men and “dopeboys” (i.e the least of these – iykyk)

The conversation starts by opening up about Jeezy’s trauma- a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.  Nia frames and poses the question “What was the activation moment of trauma for you?”  I love that she frames the question this way because oftentimes we think however we are, is just the way we are. But it’s important to recognize and understand that as human beings we have the capacity and ability to change. To grow and to evolve.  And when we find ourselves behaving less desirably, it’s because there’s an outside trigger that has activated something in us causing us to behave that way.  The key to growth and healing is becoming more and more aware of those “moment(s) of activation.” So you can begin to reframe and channel it in other positive and beneficial ways.  Recognizing and practicing this is so important, so I love that Nia frames the question this way.  And she does so 45 seconds into the conversation!  Five minutes later we’re touching on suicidal ideation (with Jeezy recounting how he once thought about jumping off a boat because he didn’t want to go back to his prior life).  I mean this conversation got deep.

Nia was definitely the right person for this conversation because she asked all the right questions.  And she allowed Jeezy to open up and be vulnerable and expressive.  It’s evident she has done the work and is doing the work.  In fact, Jeezy tells her this was “a safe place for me to say what I had to say” and when she expresses shock that black people and black women showed up for her the way they had, Jeezy affirms her, telling her she’s “the embodiment of what a well-minded, grown ass black woman is supposed to be like and we stand by her always.”  (can I say BIG FACTS?!)

One of the things she said that I found profound was that “intimacy allows us to unpack.”  And this was definitely an intimate conversation where they unpacked a lot of Jeezy’s trauma, his expressions of trauma, and his healing journey and process.  After being molested, exposed to violence at an early age, and never receiving his mother’s love and acceptance, he began to disassociate from his inner self and turn to the streets.  There he says he found love- an intense feeling of deep affection.  Ironically, he also found himself overindulging in alcohol and nightlife. Due to nationwide ‘beefs,’ he lived in constant fear- an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat of any given day being his last.  However, by the grace of God (and in His mysterious way lol) he was able to give up drinking and forgive his mother.  Those life experiences that he referenced at the beginning of the conversation began manifesting.  His uncle whom he credits for giving him his first $20 had died. After attending his funeral he found himself at his mother’s gravesite where he was finally able to make peace and forgive her.  It seems through his faith in God and his practice of meditation- [to] think deeply or focus one’s mind for a period of time in silence or with the aid of chanting, for religious or spiritual purposes or as a method of relaxation he was able to work through a lot of his trauma and find healing.  Not only could he forgive his mother, he could ask for her forgiveness.  And he promised to do better by “little Jay” than she was able to.

What I appreciate the most about this conversation is that Jeezy is pulling men, and their healing and evolution in life, to the forefront, or limelight, if you will.  He says that we (as black people) need to hear (and understand) that we don’t have to be stuck in a place of trauma.  To help facilitate this sentiment they list the key terms and definitions of the concepts they discussed (as I’ve done throughout this post).  This allows the audience to gain a basic understanding of the healing process and connect and engage with it in a deeper, more informed way.  With this conversation (I think it’s important to note, conversation, not interview) we really get to see how important healthy conversation is.  How critical it is to gain understanding and discover areas of relatability that lead to an appreciation for the other person and their journey in life.

Now I’m sure most people tuned into the conversation to get the “tea” on what happened in his marriage to Jeannie Mai.  Hoping to learn that ‘she had cheated’ or ‘he cheated’.  They may have been disappointed with the headlines “therapy couldn’t save the marriage” and ran with whatever rumor they believed.  The most popular being Jeannie moved her family into the home, wouldn’t cook soul food, and lived too much on social media.  All those things could be absolutely true or absolutely false, however ridiculous.  What’s most important for us to take away from this conversation is how difficult it is when two people are unequally yoked and/or unwilling to do the “deep, hard, and necessary work” of unpacking trauma and healing it.  Jeezy says “love is two people healing together and giving each other space to do so.”  When you couple that with him saying “I’ve never experienced love, not unconditional love,” one could believe it’s possible that none of that exists in his marriage.  At that point there’s not much to say, except to unpack why he feels this way. He says “men are hurting because they can’t talk to their partner and say ‘I’m not feeling okay’.”  He says “men want to process their pain with someone who feels that pain, understands where they’re coming from and can give them some insight.  [That] men are missing being able to process their pain with women in a safe space, and with someone that has empathy- the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, and is nurturing.”  I think this is especially important for a man who has been seeking his mother’s love and was never able to receive it in her life. He says “a lot of the dumb stuff men do comes from a place of not being seen + heard. [M]en should be able to be loving without feeling like they’re going to get emasculated.” (honeyyy. How many of you have a sharp tongue, or know a sister with a sharp tongue??) He wants “black women to see this and give men that safe place to land.”  This is a loud and long cry in the black male community that seems to fall on deaf and defensive ears.  I hope those ears are now ripe for listening and hearing.  Cause Jeezy is speaking truth.  Whether we want to believe it or not, men are hurting not only because of what we say to them, but also because of what they can’t say to us (because they don’t feel comfortable or safe enough).  He hopes “this conversation can open up different conversations in our culture about being there for each other and not being at odds with each other.”

At one point Jeezy asks if Nia is okay.  One of the things she says in her response is that women shouldn’t have to be this strong.  Where they have to wear so many hats; and take so many things into consideration; and take care of others more than themselves and their children.  She says she draws the line at her children.  When things start to affect them adversely she says NO.  Jeezy asks her if being soft and vulnerable is hard.  She immediately says “no because that’s who I want to be, who I really am.”  She says “nothing is more important to me than black people. … What hurts me to the core is the dismantling of the black family.”  After recalling a meditation session where Jeezy encountered his younger self -who was heartbroken at continually being done dirty in life- he was able to release his pain by promising to look out for his inner child– a person’s supposed original or true self, especially when regarded as damaged or concealed by negative childhood experiences and himself. He says he’s always put other people before himself and always got the short end of the stick. This encounter led him to begin standing up for himself and putting himself first.  He says “if people took time to look inward we would be in a better place.” Nia then compliments his masculine presence, explaining how typically women want their man to have a softer side, but don’t particularly want a “soft” man.  They still want leadership.  Jeezy immediately clarifies the point by asking ,“do women want leadership?” Nia says “the right woman does.  But can she trust where you’re leading her?” On numerous occasions Jeezy asked what he should do if certain things weren’t happening in a relationship.  And each time Nia said if someone isn’t committed to doing the “deep, hard, and necessary work” then you have to let them go and love them from afar. And wish them better luck next time around.  It leads me to believe that Jeannie Mai may be a sharp tongued, independent woman who isn’t willing to let go of that part of her identity. Of course, I don’t know, I’m just drawing conclusions.  But it seems pretty evident that Jeezy is implying his partner isn’t willing to do the work.  When Nia asks him directly “What happens when a man gets to the point of “I’m filing for divorce?”  He says “I can’t expect someone to walk this path with me. I just have to do what God told me to do.” 

I guess we’ll find out what that is in his book.

There were many things I appreciated about this conversation, but the last I’ll mention is that it closed with an activation opportunity.  They gave each other the homework of writing a list of all the people they need to forgive and forgiving them. Nis shares her method of forgiving that I have to say I’ve begun practicing myself.  She says during meditation, she visualizes the face of the person that has offended her and sends them love vibrations.  She says that way “you no longer have to be connected to the negative feeling of being hurt and disappointed.”  She says this is important because as she states at the closing of the conversation “You can do all this work, all the things, but if you are not able to forgive you will hit the wall again.”  How many of you know that is the absolute truth!? Not only was this a great conversation, for me it was an on time conversation.  I personally have been needing to master the art of forgiveness for a while now.  And Nia Long just gave me an exact method to employ to do so!  I’m grateful.

I’ll close with the very compliment Nia gave Jeezy.  Referring to the conversation in general, with his masculine presence and emotional maturity specifically, Nia tells him “This was nice.”

I concur.  That was nice! 🙂 

So yeah, girl.  Check out the conversation here if you haven’t already.  It’s definitely worth the watch.  After you check it out, let me know if you’re considering getting the book for bae.  I would be surprised if this wasn’t on every woman’s holiday gift giving list for bae, or the other special men in her life.  I see it helping to spark and facilitate healthy conversation.  And helping men to identify with the emotional pain they may be carrying.  I would definitely get it for bae! lol

Until next time, girl.  Consider what Jeezy is saying and do two things.  1.Begin to forgive the people you need to forgive. And 2. Have more healthy conversations with the people in your life.  Specifically with bae.  Check in on bae ❤️